Thoughts on College Acceptance ~

I'm not going to lie, this time last year I was a nervous wreck. All I could think of was the possibility that I might not get into college. Oh my goodness!

Totally Desperate: 

I used to look at the pamphlets that the colleges would send me. All these random kids smiling on the beautiful Duke green. A bunch of Harvard smarties studying in a giant library. Those kids had no idea that there were people like me just staring at their faces looking for something. I would construct detailed lives around that one still image. A mom, a dad, maybe some siblings, that kid, and one very very very important acceptance letter with their name on it. How happy were they when they got accepted? Are they still that happy? Because they should be. I wanted them to be constantly appreciative of their acceptance because there were kids like me just dying for their place. 

I was just in awe to be honest. I wanted to be them so much, just a kid with an acceptance letter at some place decent. 

Dear God, I promise if I get into a good college I'll be soooooo happy there won't be anything that can make me feel sad again. 

And then a letter from Brown came in the mail, at least three weeks before decisions were meant to come out. I was in my room when my mom yelled up the stairs about some mail I got from Brown. She was acting like it was some big thing but I knew when letters were supposed to go out so I wasn't excited or anything. Nevertheless she made me come down stairs to open it and all the while I was telling her it was nothing important because acceptance letters don't come out for awhile. The first thing I saw was a brown folded pouch with just the word Brown on it. A little fancy for some random letter. Inside was a long worded letter that I couldn't be bothered to read so I skipped to the bottom. And there it said in slightly vague but not that vague words that I was likely to be accepted as in, wink wink nudge nudge, I was as good as in. 

And in a matter of seconds, I lived the moment that I always imagined those kids in the pamphlets were so lucky to have had. 

But the thing that bothers me is that naïve though I had going in. Or maybe it wasn't naïve at all. Now, a semester in, I don't often remember how I felt before I got in, and how I thought it would solve all my problems. Don't get me wrong it did for awhile. Even weeks after I got in, there wasn't much that could make me terribly upset. Some kid was mean to me, who cares I was going to Brown. I got a C on a pop quiz, that's cool still going to Brown. Ironed a hole in my favorite shirt, no problem, I was going to a good college dang it! 
And that's how it should have been, and still should be because there are still kids dying to get in. I'm guilty of forgetting most days how incredibly lucky I am for somehow getting into the college of my choice because that's a lucky thing.

But on a further note...

I'm guilty of forgetting everyday how lucky I am for all the little things. I never beg God to let me live another day every time I go to sleep because that would make me so happy there won't be anything that can make me sad again. And yet, I somehow still wake up everyday completely intact and healthy. 

So I somehow thought that getting into college would supply me with enough thankful happy energy to fight off sad feelings to last the rest of my life. That was so stupid of me. 

I should've had enough thankful happy energy to combat all the sadness from just opening my eyes in the morning.

It's hard to think of the positives all the time. It's not the way we've been taught, growing up in this world where the only thing you can count on in social media is bad news. 

I'm constantly forgetting but I'm trying to remember every time I think I have it bad, that I don't have it that bad at all. 

Thinking Thankful:

I started out small. When I had to write a ridiculously long paper and all my friends are hanging out I hated school. But then I had to remember how lucky I was to have the opportunity to learn and interact with so many amazing people and if the price was to write a paper, so be it. And yeah, it was ridiculously embarrassing when I caught my hall-mate in nothing but his boxers but it was worth it because I was at Brown. 

And likewise, it stinks when I have to unload the dishwasher and clean the messy corners of my room that practically have their own ecosystems going on but I'm alive and healthy and still able to do those things. Well gosh, I'm incredibly lucky.

long story short-

there's always something to be thankful for!